diplomatic titbits: On losing a Life Partner

On losing a Life Partner

I lost my life partner with the passing away of Vidya on December 7 all of a sudden with a silent cardiac arrest just before my open eyes. I was stunned and shocked along with my daughter, Vaishali and daughter in law, Sulekha standing and holding Vidya at her bed. It was a devastating thing to happen for the family. There was no

response time. She was admitted to a hospital for a few days with positive dengue and resultant ailments and was back home on December 6. Nobody in the family, I think even Vidya herself, expected this to happen so suddenly. Vidya left us in peace without uttering a word and even demonstrating any pain. Vidya, a simple but gracious lady, lived with blissful dignity and left with eternal peace.

I am a regular blogger but could not gather enough courage to sit and write since her departure as I felt totally devastated. It is one of the hardest aspects of grieving for your partner. It is grieving the future you had planned together. Thinking about your new reality, it can deepen the feelings of loneliness and isolation you might be feeling and this can be scary to cope with. But one has to accept the hard reality. There is no other way. A common theme among people who have lost their spouse is the debilitating effects of feeling entirely alone and incomplete. The sense of feeling like one has lost an essential part of oneself is both painful and disconcerting. I was over-whelmed with the flow of condolence messages and sharing of our grief by my friends, colleagues and relations at large. My extended family; brothers Krishan and Parmjit and also my sisters stood by me as a solid wall.

These realities of life have a different and distinct effect on my life. We married each other when perhaps we were not even legally of age to do that in June, 1969. I was still a student of the final year of BA. On my insistence, without any explicit agreement of Vidya, it was decided to delay our physical marriage for a couple of years under the guise of Muklawa or Gauna in social parlance. I shifted to Delhi in pursuit of my career in the IFS in March 1970 to earn my bread and butter. Vidya was happy, obviously. After settling down followed by Muklawa, we started living as husband and wife in April, 1971. The crux of the matter is that we started growing together in whatever socio-economic condition we were as an ordinary young couple belonging to a poor background.

We did not look back. Vidya stood by me in thick and thin both in my career and family responsibilities. Without any formal education as a young lady from village background, she was well groomed by her family and parents in taking care of family and social responsibilities with fortitude and courage. I benefited out of her ability and devotion in this regard. Our first posting in diplomatic parlance in 1977 was Beijing (Peking) in China. We were a young couple in our mid-twenties and parents of three children. The odds were too many. She learnt the tricks of the trade quickly and held the fort as a good home-maker. I could climb the ladder in the professional domain as Vidya shouldered all the family responsibilities at home without giving me any cause of concern and worry. Not only we could do and fulfil all our social and family responsibilities including marriages of our three children and making them settle in life with satisfaction but also did fairly well in our diplomatic career and reached the top with Ambassadorial status. Many of you may know that in the life of a diplomat; particularly

that of Indian diplomats, the spouse plays an important and equal role both in official conduct and social living. Vidya did it well and élan as a good and supportive life partner. On my retirement, leaving all the glitter of diplomatic life and globetrotting, we decided to come back to our roots in Jalandhar. Vidya was somewhat reluctant to come back initially but later she again honoured my wish as a gracious partner. Till her last breath, now I fully realise, she always tended to stand by me as my life partner. She carved a good social ground and space for her back home after absence from the scene for about 40 years with her down to earth approaches towards life, her humility and pleasing demeanour. So many things cloud my mind about her earthy sense of worldly wisdom which always remained handy to address day to day issues of concern and interest. We celebrated our 50^th marriage anniversary in 2019 with a great sense

of belonging and satisfaction. There is much to write about which I will see and do later. At the Antim Ardas on December 17, some of my friends and social leaders paid glowing tributes to her and invariably referred to her unmatched traditional sense of hospitality and rustic but pragmatic behavior. One of my friends and diplomatic colleagues from Delhi, Amarjeet paid a handsome tribute to Madam Vidya Chander at her Antim Ardas:

माँ, मम्मी, दादी, विद्दो सबने आवाज़ लगाई

कोई तड़प कोई पुकार कुछ भी काम न आई

हर बंधन से तुम हाथ छुड़ाकर चले गए